As I begin the process of uncovering the layers that have kept me bound, I realize that is is not as simple as I had expected. I tried to walk away from ministry, the ministry of dance, and just keep it simple. Me and God at 5 am, devotional time, church services, bible study. I thought that if I limited my time to those things that I would begin to feel free. But the minute I felt some relief, a peace of mind, I felt an urge to pick up those things that I thought were holding me hostage–ministry. My home life was being challenged, but I handled that with class. In the midst of my desire to be transformed, my car was repossessed and I had no money to pay it. The interesting thing is that when the “Repo Man” showed up I was in the middle of my nightly devotional. Literally having just closed the Bible, the door bell rang and they were putting my car on a tow truck. I was mad, but I was at a different place and my reaction was slightly different. I temporarily shut down. My husband was disappointed in himself and he felt he had let me down. Not with a Martha spirit, but with a spirit of peace, I told him it was going be o.k. I was hurting, I cried secretly, but still I knew it was going to be alright. I had to humble myself and ask my 22 year old daughter to borrow her car. I say “humble” because “Martha” was not there to mask the issues. I was embarrassed that my daughter knew that my car had gotten repossessed. There was nothing I could do, but be grateful to God that I had a way to get to work as did my daughter. I felt myself going back to my old ways, trying to mask the pain, show strength as my way of pretending that nothing was wrong. I refused to go there. While I was not going to wear my brokenness on my sleeves, nor share with anyone who would listen what I was going through at that moment, I surely was not going to hide it from my friends–close, trusted friends.
The Holy Spirit was still talking, encouraging me to stay on track; to pass this test.
God is in control and everything in His timing. I am learning to trust Him, to be grateful for the simply being ALIVE, nothing else really matters. My children are happy and safe, I have gainful employment to go to, food to eat, a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I am content.
In spite of this unveiling in the midst of my trial, the war within me was raging and Martha was trying to reassert herself in my life. “The high octane, high-anxiety, chronically overachieving woman”p.6 Jesus has been rebuking. Me, the woman who, for so long busied herself in her brokenness, was showing her self strong. In a different way. Not complaining but making masked emotional decisions. I took it out on God and my calling. I sent a a text message to my Bishop and said “I am requesting to be removed from the Dance ministry, I need more of God…” Really??? Walking away from ministry made me feel better. It did, well at least my flesh did.
It did not take long for God to step in and keep me from myself. My Daddy who knows all, sees all, feels all. My “Martha” was trying to take me far away from God’s Grace. In addition to “Martha”, the pharisee mentality was at work in me as well. My Bishop says it best:” The enemy does come to battle alone, he comes with some of his friends too.” No matter how pure my intent was, the only results I was getting was an unhealthy self-obsession and self-worth that was (is) swinging between feelings of inordinate pride or overwhelming failure–depending on my mood.
God is not through me yet, daily I fight for my transformation. But bu HIS Grace and Mercy, I decree I WILL BE TRANSFORMED!!! I will pass His test