Yes, I am playing catch up. I have been reflecting and still searching for that thing that will break me free from the bondage of lack of self worth. So I got to Day 4 of the Journey and allowed myself to be busy with things, people and situations that was not honoring me. There was a pause on the prayer that I was so excited and eager about. I lost focus.
Today as I was walking home from work, I asked myself a very important question: What did I ever truly dream of doing or being…I drew a blank.
“You cannot fix what you cannot face”-James Baldwin. Deep!! As I am reading the book One Day My Soul Just Opened up by Iyanla Vanzant, I am beginning to realize that I have not been the only person in this world who felt the way I felt or did the things I did. This book is as if Iyanla herself had peeked into my past and wrote a whole book about it. People would tell me I looked angry all the time and I was unapproachable. Defensive…Stand-Offish…Living in a whirlwind…Little did I know, as the the book states that Life was trying to tell me something about myself. I was intimidating…Funny because when people said that about me, I would chuckle and tell them, “Girl, I am the least of the problems…” What I was unaware of is that I was not being representative of the the God I serve, but being a complete idiot. There are so many things, and relationships I can’t take back. People I offended because I was in a state of self hurt. I was in on auto defensive mode. Jobs lost because I was perceived as “threat.” Iyanla said it best: “They were saying that I was defensive and combative. Whenever these things were said to me, I would become offended and would go into a long tirade about people not knowing me, what I thought or how I felt.” Real talk. I could not have articulated it any better. I am working on changing me, finding the “me” behind the veil.
My whole marriage was a farce from the beginning. A rebound relationship at best, but if found myself pregnant with my second child, his first. Abortion was not an option because I had promised God that if He ever gave me the chance again to carry life, I would not throw it away except in the case of a sexual assault. Now see, that is power. When did I loose the strength to come boldly before God and “bargain”. He accepted the covenant because He knew I was serious and blessed me with three beautiful children. I gladly accepted the life of being a mother. However, being a wife was a whole different story. Our story was built on dishonesty from the very beginning. I did not want to accept the fact that I was going to be a single mother like all of the women in my life; I wanted to be married. I knew going in who this man was, a good father, a horrible mate. He cheated, time and time again. But because of my failure to accept the reality of the situation in that moment, I denied myself he power to make the conscious decision to leave him, regardless of the fact that I would have been a single mother of three. For that reason I was really living be default. I prayed to my God that He dissolve the marriage. I wanted out. I have two adult children and a teenager who is soon off to college. In my mind, the co-parenting is over. I am accepting the fact, that all things work together for the good of those that love God and are called according to His purpose. Everything is by design. I accept that what is coming to me is coming at the right time in the right way.
The truth of who I am cannot be altered or changed
The willingness to make a conscious choices is another way of demonstrating that you are ready to find new ways of living and being before your are forced into it.-Iyanla Vanzant One Day My Soul Just Opened Up
It is a state of mindful relaxation. My prayer for me and an affirmation for some is: ” Teach me to CONSERVE my self, my gifts, my resources, so that I may always do your perfect work. Guide me in the way I should go. Lead me in the perfect path according to Your perfect will for my life. Give me the wisdom, the ability to discern, and the vision to know your will and perform it with grace and ease. For this I am so grateful!” Amen! Iyanla Vanzant.
Stay with me, I promise Destiny is on the other side of this!