“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair…” 2 Corinthians 4:8
In my last blog, Beautifully Broken-Being the Clay Part I, I left off with my teenage years. After the abortion, I turned to Jesus. It seemed like the natural thing to do. Deep down inside, I knew it was the Spirit of God that led me to the church that morning before school. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. On my way to school, there was church along the way. There was an urging to go in. I went in, knelt down and simply said: “Jesus please for forgive me for giving you back a life. I was not my fault, I had to listen to my mother. Please forgive her, she doesn’t know what she did. I promise you, Jesus, that if you ever give me the chance to carry life again, except for being raped, I never give it back.” And I kept my covenant agreement, and so did God. After the father of my aborted child was murdered, I was lost once again. Who would love me the way he did? I also found out that I was the envy of many of the girls in my high school because apparently, they all wanted to date him and they made no qualms about questioning his choice in me. Another crack in the pot. I looked at myself again and felt unworthy of a love that would never be. Crack!!
About a year a later, I met the one who I thought was my second chance at love. He was smart, nice, and he noticed me. He told me I had beautiful brown skin, to which I responded: “I am dark-skinned!” He looked at me and said: “No, you are brown skinned.” It was the very first time that someone had to acknowledge me as “brown” and not “black”. It was another immature love affair. He did what most teenage boys do, allow their friends to influence them, and we broke up after a year. I later found out that he was cheating on me with my friend and fellow cheerleader. Crack!
Young Adult Years
After graduating High School, I had a summer job at the airport as a security guard. I was on the rebound, devastated by the break-up of the person I thought was my 2d chance at love. There, I met my oldest child’s father. A handsome guy; looked like a famous R&B Artist of the decade. Everyone wanted him, and he wanted me. Boost to the ego! Right?? Wrong. Problem #1, he had a girlfriend. No problem, it was cute while it lasted. But apparently, he liked me more and so he broke up with her to be with me. Problem #2, his mother is half white and had color issues…Not this again… Crack!!!
Now I am fighting someone’s mother for a chance at love. I have come to learn that rebound love is very dangerous and damaging. I found myself pregnant again, but this time, no backsies. This child was my proof that God forgives and He honors His covenant agreements (learned that later on in life). I was fighting for my life and that of my child. My mother was embarrassed by my pregnancy, she treated me with disgust; she even tried pushing me down the stairs. I had to fight my child’s soon to be grandmother, who was disgusted because her son chose a “darkie”. My saving grace was my grandmother. She loved me and protected me and accepted my pregnancy. The only thing she wanted me to do is to finish college. And I did. Pregnant and all.
Sometimes in life, we go through circumstances that seem unbearable. But God, (don’t you love that line?) wants you to be encouraged, He said in this world we would have trials and tribulations, but be of good cheer; Jesus overcame the world. While going through trials and tribulations we must recognize that the darkest attacks from the enemy will come just before our breakthrough from the Lord. And it’s during those dark times that the enemy will come to try you, taunt you, and cause you to doubt if the Lord will ever deliver you.
The Pot has cracks, but not yet broken.
Left alone, but never forgotten
Misunderstood, but my future is just starting
God is molding me and making me
He’s building me and shaping me
A Queen is being formed right in front of your eyes
So don’t count me out
So don’t count me out
When you don’t see what He sees
You can’t tell, but his glory is resting on me
I’m his choice
I’m after his heart
The unveiling is starting now
So don’t count me out.
There’s a queen in me
Goliaths to defeat
Visions to decree
It’s my destiny–Marvin Sapp
Stay Tuned for Part III Beautifully Broken-Cracked But Not Yet Broken.